A CHILDISH RANT

[deadlyscarlet]

I am sorry if you guys are forced to read this or something. It's just that I am kinda feeling depressed and I wanna let everything out.  

Well I think this is the first time I m gonna be ranting my head off in livejournal. But well whatever.

First off I have become really depressing once again. I have this terrible mood swings and my sister keeps complaining that my face is turning lifeless. I don't know why. I really can't nail on the reason why I am so depressed. Is it due to the new house we shifted to I don't know coz the house is a bit small compared to the previous house. For now the packers haven't moved our furniture and appliances yet. So the house is kinda empty and spacious. But once everything is assembled the house is gonna turn out pretty crowded. My aunt and her family used to be the previous tenants of this house so I have a basic idea of how this house will be when it is fully packed. I am really scared coz I am claustrophobic. I am already finding it a bit suffocating. I don't know what I am gonna do. And my parents never let me go out often, I mean they basically never let me out. How am I gonna face my inner demons, I don't know.

And next, I have been having insomnia from April. My sleep doesn't last long and I am getting physically and mentally drained and tired. It's tough. My mother doesn't understand that I have insomnia. Hell, she doesn't understand what I am going through. I tried explaining to her today morning that I am claustrophobic, but she just asked me not to act too smart. Well I can't blame her. She is just too orthodox and doesn't understand her daughter. So again when it comes to my insomnia, my mother just assumes that I have gone mad.

Then my father. He is good to me unlike before. Due to my education reasons, he didn't talk to me for six years. But he does talk to me now and well does joke a bit. But when he is mad, he just spews venom at me. I know he is just trying to relieve his tension and so I just smile. But I am a human being too. I have feelings too right. It hurts when he does that. Yesterday he bit my head off for no reason. He came home late and I just asked him if I should get his bed ready for him. But he just insults saying that you think I am like you people, I go out and earn. But you all just sleep all day at home. And the stupid reason why he was yelling at me was coz my brother had failed to switch off the air conditioner's stabilizer. Well I just made his bed and let him go to sleep. What else could be done? It hurts seriously all the insults. I am sick and tired. 

And my life, I don't know what I have in store. Not that I am bragging but I was a student of one of the world's best universities. I mean my university comes eighth in the world rank. Have you guys heard of Anna University? Well I studied there. My life was hell. I hated engineering. Frankly, I almost died in the university. I nearly took my life twice due to my education. No one except for my sister knows I tried to slit my veins. Luckily, I never did that. For some reason I want to live my life and see what I have in store. Since my education was shit I clearly told my parents that I wont take up a job which I hate. That's why I wanna be a Japanese Translator and Interpreter. My language school teacher praises me a lot and she keeps informing me about job opportunities. But first I need to become fluent in the language. It is not easy. I am good with the language but not good enough. I am just in the first level. I still need to pass two more levels before I consider a career in Japanese. But again I don't know why my father brings up the topic of engineering even when I told him I wont take up an IT job no matter what. He keeps making tantalizing remarks about my studies. Not only him, my mother too. They are just insulting me for being so fond of Japanese. They call me childish goddamit!!! Is loving a language being childish?

I don't want to die due to my problems. I want to live and see what life has in store for me. I want to write more stories. I don't want to give up even if I get caught by my family and force me to quit. I want to go to Japan, read a lot of BL there, some how purchase a ticket for a GazE concert, head bang with the fans and if possible shake hands with Aoi. I want to get a nice big house and decorate it with black walls and silver accessories. I want to get a flat screen television with a home theater and watch Visual-kei PVs 24/7. I want to get a huge book shelf, stuffed with all the novels I am gonna buy for the first time after I get a job. I wanna read all of Aoiha fictions and write a lot of Aoiha porn. I just wanna drown in Aoiha. I want to date a Vampire XD. And I wanna achieve my dream of being a Japanese interpreter. I wanna get a Ph.D in Japanese Literature if possible. Crazy dreams they are but I would be happy if they were fulfilled. My life has been shit so far, but I hope I will find happiness eventually some day.

And I love you all my LJ friends. I think I have been the happiest only in Live Journal compared to every other place. I don't have friends in real life. It's the truth as I was bullied due to my color and looks. But still you all are so sweet to me and make me feel home. I love you all. Hope you all didn't get depressed reading the rubbish I have spewed. Thank you for being there for me and love you all once again.

-Scarlet

Comments

[xadowangel.livejournal.com]

honey, you have no idea how similar my life is to yours.

My parents are both really considerate. They try to listen to me. But once i let my problems ouy, theu vent it off on each other. They keep blaming one another which turns into a nasty fight. I always thought that i'm the reason they're so unhappy. But later found out that they hate each other with a passion and always look for ways to denounce one another. I think the only reason they didn't get seperated is for the 'till death do us apart' thing, and i actually laughed my ass out when i read your scene. And then i cried.

Sometimes i feel like i'm just a mistake. I'm born in the wrong place, wrong time, wrong family and sometimes it's just so suffocating. I'm grateful that i'm allowed to go out though.

I wanna do so much you know??? It's just...i can't. And it hurts so bad. I don't have anyone to hold my hand.

I wanna become a teacher at my favorite uni. I wanna fall in love with a sweet guy. I wanna go to a gaze concert. I wanna write aoiha. I wanna drive along an empty highway at the middle of the night. I wanna buy every vk cd and dvds. I wanna get my favorite books stacked up on my shelves. I wanna have my waist back to 26. I wanna smile all the times.


And sweetheart, you need to live. If you want those dreams to come true, you need to live. You need to forget everything that happens today. Because a powercut doesn't last forever right? There's a lightswitch somewhere, when the power is back just press it.

Love you!!!!

[deadlyscarlet.livejournal.com]

Sweet heart I don't know wat to say..it's true we both do have similar situations..i think my own parents r facing the same Until death do us apart crisis..they r living together due to the society which wud definitely mock at them if they part..tats y i guess they r together..my heart hurts when i see them like tat..i blame myself always..i keep wondering if it is my messed up education which ruined them..
I wish I hadn't been born in India..my life, my everything feels so wrong..like u said..wrong place, wrong time, wrong family..tats wat it is..if I weren't in India i wud have walked out of home a long time back..
Falling in love..i wish i cud do tat..but unfortunately no...u of all ppl wud knw abt arranged marriages..i have no choice bt to marry a guy my parents choose..i want to run away so badly..bt i m sure they wud b destroyed..tats y i dont have the heart to walk out on them..
U deserve all those dreams darling..u deserve so much more..i will keep hoping tat all ur dreams r fulfilled and some day u will be able to laugh out loud with true happiness..i will b cheering u on.. I AM LITERALLY CRYING WHILE TYPING THIS

I swear I will live..I definitely will keep looking for a light switch..

I love u loads Xadow..i m so glad i have some one now who will encourage me to go on..

[toesjah.livejournal.com]

Well, my life was horrible a few years ago and I don't want to talk about it, but now I'm getting at least more support.

I also wanna be a Japanese translator =D I have one year to go before I'm a secretary, then I will work a year, meanwhile I'm already studying Japanese. I hope I can go to Japan in 2 years.

[deadlyscarlet.livejournal.com]

I am glad to hear everything is good with your life now..
And i m sure will turn out to be an amazing secretary and go to Japan pretty soon..
Good luck with your life dear..I m sure u will live happy ^^

[toesjah.livejournal.com]

I hope your life will become better soon too :)

At least for now, I might make you happy with the next chapter of my story xD If my beta is fast, I will post it today.

[deadlyscarlet.livejournal.com]

Thank u i hope so too...

Okay hey where is tat beta of yours...emithealien u better hurry up XD

[toesjah.livejournal.com]

xDD I just sent it to her, it will be posted today or tomorrow.

My first time of writing smut, don't go too hard on me xD

[deadlyscarlet.livejournal.com]

Hurray for smut XD
Aw i m no critic so dont be scared..my comment wil be full of love ^^ oh bt only if it is Aoiha it will be full of love or else no LOL

[toesjah.livejournal.com]

Of course its Aoiha xD I can't describe Reituki I think xDD

Hope it will cheer you up a little =)

[deadlyscarlet.livejournal.com]

Anything Aoiha will definitely cheer me up so I am waiting XD

[dontfallthrough.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry to hear about it, but it will all turn out good in the end if you fight for it. I have also had my hardships and I just kept it locked up, never complaining and just taking all that was thrown at me. I know that was probalby the wrong way to deal with it, that I should have stod up to it, but I wasn't strong enough.

But everything have turned out, not great, but good enough and I'm happy:) Of course I still get things said to me that makes me cry, but I never let anyone now about it. I just shut myself in my room and turn on my favorit music. I helps me calm down, and before long the music has made my mood go up again.

I'm also sorry to hear that you can't really go out, because that might be what you need. Just to get away from it all.

But luckily you have livejournal, as you said, and you have all of us. Who are always wishing for your well-being and of course updates^c^

[deadlyscarlet.livejournal.com]

I am sorry to hear that u r facing a lot of problems..but u need to stand up to people who r demeaning u..I dont plan to put up with my parents' shit for long..there will be a day when i lash out at them..i m patiently waiting for it..they need to know their daughter's problems..they have to know..

Yes i wish i cud go out..being cooped up is just too depressing...

And livejournal is like an escapade to heaven ^^ And i m so happy to hear you lovely people encouraging me and caring for me and yes ofc u will get more updates XD

thank u once again ^^ it really means a lot

[anknick.livejournal.com]

I understand it pretty well.. Know the mentality of most of the parents here..
I dont understand why cant people just open up their minds..
I am depressed pretty much most of the time..
I am not a very social person. I dont have any friends lol. My fault mostly, cuz i fail at keeping in touch with them.
I have a friend who's doing Civil engineering in Anna University. She was a very great friend to me. But i think i've failed her like everyone else >__>
I even failed to call her on her bday. I was scared to face her.
so yeah i bring upon this misery myself.
lately i have been such an emotional wreck..

Uh.. i started ranting myself.. T__T

the internet and all the online friends that i have.. are my only consolation.
My parents are cool though.. but i cant tell them half of the things that go through my brain..

I am too coward to ever try to take away my life.. but many times i've wished that i didn't exist..

Sorry.. for this worthless comment lol

[deadlyscarlet.livejournal.com]

I know I know..being an Indian..especially being a South Indian sucks big time..
Tell me abt being sociable even i fail when it comes to the hand full of friends i have..
I m just too damn forgetful..
Don't take ur life dear..u need to live..there might be somethin waiting for u..i m sure..
Tis comment ain't worthless it means a lot to me..thank u for being there for me ^^

[anknick.livejournal.com]

Am a Bengali.... You know, how parents want us to excel in every form of art that there is.. I used to go to art classes, music classes, dance classes.. i was good in studies too.. But then i got confused.
I dont know what i want to do with my life.. It seems like i know everything but good at nothing..
I lack the passion in everything...
I hate myself so much.. XDD
So what i do is.. Read fanfictions and cry my heart out when i feel a connection to any of the characters.. hahaha

[deadlyscarlet.livejournal.com]

I am a Tamilian...
I totally understand..they just want us to excel in wat they want..its all abt them and not us...its always abt them..
Don't say tat dear..i m sure life has somethin in store for u..so relax okay..u still need to become Uru's personal designer and i need my personal Aoi picture so live or else no Aoiha candy for u XD
The only connection i feel is to Lascivious Blood's Kouyou as he is suffering like me..but he is tonnes better than me..wish i was like him

[anknick.livejournal.com]

Yes.. yes.. XD I'd definitely not fail you if i manage to get that miracle to happen to me..
I read sweetlolixo's Desire yesterday and today.. AAh.. Kouyou made me literally burst with tears..
So today i was depressed because of that..
I am happy though that i found the GazettE and through it I atleast became interactive over the internet..
okay.. Now i have to explain sanskrit to my li'l sister DX
I hope you feel better... D:

[deadlyscarlet.livejournal.com]

Good ^^
Oh u read Desire?? Bt i hope u read Obsession first as it is the prequel to Desire..i cried like crazy myself when I read Desire..and i hated Kouyou a lot in the beginning..i cudn't forgive him for treating Yuu like tat..bt now i like him a lot..
Yes the GazettE r known to make their fans happy..
oooh Sanskrit..good luck i have heard its a tough language..
i m fine now..i did some writing and all the comments i got here was enough to cheer me up..
thank u sweet heart :)

[anknick.livejournal.com]

I read Obsession.. And i was like.."No, Not my cup of tea" because i really cant stand rape.. but then i remembered you said Desire is nice.. so i went on with it.. first 3 chapters.. i was like.. "I can't read this" then Kouyou's feeling's were put into light and i was.. T____________T Poor Baby.. lol
Its on such a bad moment right now and I'd die if it has an angsty ending.. DX
Am so used to calling them Yuu and Kouyou in my head.. its not even funny..
I used to like that subject but its been 4 years since i last laid my eyes on it.. and i dont remember shit XD
Ah.. i know.. its nice to know that people do care.. :D

[deadlyscarlet.livejournal.com]

When i read Obsession i cried a lot..it was sad when Kouyou loved Yuu like crazy..but when he raped Yuu so violently...i was like you bastard...

in Desire the first few chapters i hated Kouyou..he almost killed Yuu..but he finally has won over his beloved and Kouyou has turned really sweet..

Ah dont worry..she isn't the type to give angsty endings so i m sure it will turn out to be a happy one..

u might like her Broken..its incest and its good..

ah tell me abt it..i hardly remember French which i learnt 8 years ago ^^"

[anknick.livejournal.com]

Kouyou was really selfish in the first few chapters.. but that essay changed him.. and Kouyou's crying when he though he'd killed Yuu, made Yuu understand.. XD
Ah.. am relieved then.. am such a sucker for fanfictions... and here i go around giving off the air that am not a romantic type of person hahaha.. XD
I might read Broken then.. :)
Thanks..

[deadlyscarlet.livejournal.com]

Darling u r so nice to me..i actually cried while reading this comment filled with so much love..today morning i felt so angry when my mother didnt give a shit when i confessed to her that i m claustrophobic..when i wrote this in the morning i thot no one wud care..but when i c u all showerin me with so much love..i just cant help bt be content and peaceful..
U r so nice to me sweet heart and i wont die..i just cant die..i wish u were there to hold me ofc bt well we r too far away..bt still i love this comments which is filled with ur hugs...
Life is a bitch i know but i dont wanna give up on my dreams and i dont want u to either...i wanna c u happy too :)
Watever u write to me..whether it is a full fledged fic or a small comment it is enough for me as i know u r writing it from ur heart..
U will get my update soon dear..its the least i cud do after all the love u r showering on me...
once again...thank u and love u tonnes sweet heart...

[dq-al.livejournal.com]

um... hii sry to pop up randomly coz i know i don't comment very often...
well my parents don't give me a lot of freedom either
they forced me to study s/t i didn't want and they seem to have already planned my future ( especially my mom she always want me to be her "perfect girl" like i have to be exactly what she wants )
i'm also having some permanent depression it gets ok and then suddenly i feel really bad
like i had my exam session in june (just finished yesterday)and while studying i was like ' why do i have to study these shit? do i really want this? is this the life i wanted to live and blalabla ' then suddenly have suicidal thoughts
i tried to talk to my mom once and it turned out bad
but i guess i keep on living, hoping that i'll be able to go to the GazettE concert one day and see them for real

and about ur parents not liking Japan.. mine is worse coz i'm Korean and Korea and Japan is.. a bit like rivals? they don't go along very well so when i say i like a japanese group, my parents are treating me as if i'm weird for liking them...

sry for the long useless comment -.-
i hope you'll feel better
( when i feel down i watch PV's from the gazette and watch video's of them. it cheers me up when i see smiling. i hope it can make u feel better as well )

[deadlyscarlet.livejournal.com]

It's fine i m happy tat u've commented..
I know..studying something u dont want cud just kill u off...i nearly died too..bt no one understands the severeness when someone tells tat they almost died..
even i have a permanent depression which doesnt let me have even a little bit of peace..
aw even i think the same while writing exams..bt i hope u did well..

we belong to an orthodox family and when i strut around liking something like a rock band they turn hostile towards me LOL bt i know rivalry between countries sucks...

tis comment isn't useless and i m happy tat u care ^^ thank u

the GazettE r a miraculous bunch who always work their magic on me

[gordxblade.livejournal.com]

well, i passed a lot of bad things and when we mention all this fan fiction stuffs my moom find one of that stuff i write(its aoiha story which was very brutal) and i am freak and psychopath now for her, but i just pass through it.and i am continue to write yaoi ff because i like it.so never stop doing what u really love to do,no matter how hard was it and how wrong was it.just take deep breath, and show ur middle finger to all problems and beat them to death :)

i am strongly hope that u will pass all of that and that we will see one smile on ur face :)be strong dear,u have all our support :)

[deadlyscarlet.livejournal.com]

ah well i think i will get killed if my mother or father read my fanfiction..tats y i carefully hide them away..bt seriously ur mom shudn't consider u a freak..i mean come on parents shud understand abt wat their girl likes..they shud be more open minded..

Middle finger to the problems..yes i agree i shud do tat..

thank u *sniffles* my eyes tear up when i read ur last line..i m so glad to see tat there r ppl who actually care for me..

thank u thank u for making me feel more home...

[gordxblade.livejournal.com]

you're welcome dear and u will always have our support no matter what *big hug*

[veroxion.livejournal.com]

I hope everything is okay now. You're being so optimistic about all this, and that's really great. (^^)

I don't know what I can really say. You already know how much I love you, and support you and how you can always come to me if there's anything you want to talk about. And I think letting everything out is a good thing, it's a bad idea to keep it bottled up inside. You'll always have people to listen and support you on here. I know I'm one of them. :)

Just keep going. ♥

[deadlyscarlet.livejournal.com]

I m fine Vero ^^ Just tat I was totally upset tats y ranting my head out LOL
I know sweet heart and I love u too..you always take such good care of me *sniffles* and ofc if i m down i will come to u first..

Re:

[edettexehib.livejournal.com]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c6M_6qOz-yw