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[personal profile] deadlyscarlet

Title: Baby! Please, Look at me
Chapter: 2/2
Author: [livejournal.com profile] deadlyscarlet
Beta: [livejournal.com profile] veroxion
Genre: AU/ Romance/ Slight Fluff/ Angst
Rating: NC-17
Warnings: Language, Mention of Death, Suicide Attempt, Oral, Sex
Pairings: Aoi/Uruha[Main], Aoi/OC[Betrayal], OC/Uruha[Betrayal]
Band: the GazettE
Characters: Aoi, Uruha, Kai, OCs

Synopsis: Previously, Aoi had related how he had fallen irrevocably in love with Uruha; love that had unfortunately been one-sided, which in return had ultimately led to the attempt to take his own life. Now Uruha talks of the very first person to whom he had pledged his sincere love to, and the heartbreaks and turmoil he faces due to the secret love he harbours deep inside his heart.



A huge thank you to my bestest beta-reader [livejournal.com profile] veroxion . Even though, all that I asked of her was to read through this chapter, she still offered to beta-read the entire thing and finished it up for me within a really short time as well. If this chapter is good, then it's all thanks to her .

And this chapter is dedicated to [livejournal.com profile] venomousliberty . She was the one who motivated me to finish up typing the entire chapter when I was all stressed and bored to do anything of that sort. After she gave me a emotional boost I managed to do an extra twelve pages and finished it up ^_^

Previous
-URUHA-

“If only you had told me sooner, I wouldn’t be so broken Aoi.”

I started living alone in Tokyo ever since my parents kicked me out from home when they discovered about my sexual orientation. One of my friends who had witnessed me kissing an upperclassman went and relayed my dirty secret to my family through a picture he had taken without my knowledge. Unfortunately for me, my Dad is a homophobe and to him a gay son was equal to a bad toenail that had to be clipped off. And so without hesitating nor waiting for any explanations, he caught hold of my hand and dragged me to the front door; permanently cutting me out of the family.

I was shocked to be thrown out of home like that. I waited and waited for my father or mother; even my sister to let me back inside. But in the end no one came. When dawn broke, the door opened a crack and some of my bags along with a little money was thrown unceremoniously at my feet. But before I could see who was doing this for me, the door slammed shut again. I sobbed hysterically for a few long minutes as I continued to stand rooted in the same place pathetically. At long last, I left that horrendous place promising myself to never return back to that nightmare.

None of my friendships or relationships lasted. When everyone in high school came to know about the scene with my family thanks to my so called friend, I was treated like slime stuck to the sole of their shoes. I was ruthlessly bullied and almost every single day, I sported bloody noses and busted lips like it was a part of my visage. No one came to my rescue. No one wanted to be known as the acquaintance of Uruha - the fag.

So in the end I was left all alone, my fear regarding my own sexuality growing with the birth of each new day. It wasn’t my fault that I preferred men over the opposite sex. I knew I had nothing to be ashamed of. But when I was always at the receiving end of such terrible humiliation and abuse, how could I be blamed for being terrified? How could I be blamed for finding myself disgusting?

With the money that was thrown at my feet and my own savings, I rented a tiny apartment in a peaceful neighbourhood. My parents did kick me out and disinherit me before I completed high school but they continued to pay for school until I graduated, and also put a small fund under my name to aid me in the future. For my extra needs I had to work part time in a book shop.

After graduation, my family completely cut off ties with me. With all the money I had saved through my part time job I joined an Art University and continued working in the same book store. The Owner was really kind to me, but after what had happened with my family and friends, I kept my sexual orientation a secret. If my own parents hated me then why wouldn’t the others?

I lived my life like that of a robot’s. Every morning I got up, brushed my teeth, took a bath and left for University. After the classes for the day were over, I went to the book shop and tried my best to smile so that the customers would buy something as I didn’t want to lose my job. When my work for the day was complete, I went to the bar, got drunk and fell asleep at my apartment. When morning came, the same schedule repeated itself all over again.

Whenever I felt like having some fun or was extremely lonely, I would go to a gay bar. Of course, due to my looks I was always picked up during my every visit, but it was nothing except for mere drunken, mindless fucking. Nothing more or nothing less. Deep down, I wished that at least one of these men I was with would love me back enough to spend their life with me. But no, none of them wanted anything to do with me on a personal level as most of the men who picked me up were the ones who had a family, their wife and children awaiting their return while they had fun screwing my body dry.

Soon, the hope of finding someone who I would love more than anything and the same love being returned to me had already withered away like the dream it had always been. That was until I found you, my beloved Aoi.

I return home from work as usual. Today was really tiring as we had to create a display for a famous author’s new book. The publication company had requested for a separate display for the new arrival. My boss had asked me to do it as I was pretty good when it came to decorating. By the time I was done, I was completely exhausted. I was badly in need of a smoke but I didn’t have any cigarettes on me, so I decided to make a quick stop at the convenience store.

I had just turned a corner when I suddenly stopped short. For the very first time in my life did I see someone as beautiful as you. Silky raven hair, neatly cut and styled; the neon light of the shop making it glitter. A sudden urge flowed through me, making me want to badly play with those luscious tresses. Pale skin which glowed due to the light. Strong, well-formed muscles  which were visible due to the tank top that adorned your upper half. For a gay man like myself, you were a visual treat.

From where I stood, I could see that you were holding lots of bags in your hands, nervously tonguing your lip ring as if you had been caught red-handed in the middle of committing mischief.

I couldn’t help but stare at your beautiful face that emitted a childlike innocence. Beauty which I had never encountered so far. I don’t know what made me do it but the next moment I found myself walking towards you. Your beauty, your kind face, your nervousness; attracting me towards you like a magnet.

Need help with those?” I find myself asking you.

You turn around and look at me. Your expression slowly turns into that of shock. I’m a bit flustered seeing you look at me like that, but I still wait. Instead of accepting or rejecting my offer, you keep up with your stare. I start getting uncomfortable; squirming under your intense gaze. At that moment, the only thought that crosses my mind is that, you know I’m gay and you are contemplating over how to get rid of me. I could already feel my heart breaking into pieces. But I didn’t let it show on my face.

Ah, maybe you don’t need help I guess.”

I try getting away from there as fast as possible. Wanting to run back home and cry for I have already lost without even trying. Maybe I’m meant to die alone after all.

Ano, I do need help, please.”

My breath hitches when your deep voice, which felt like music to my ears, erases the sadness like it hadn’t even existed in the first place. I immediately reach for half the bags in your hands. A slight graze of your smooth skin, sending a wave of electricity rush through my body. I resist the urge to purr in pleasure.

You lead the way to your apartment, my heart pounding erratically as I follow you like a loyal puppy. My heart is too loud for my liking and I’m positive that your ears would have captured the inappropriate racket by now. So I start engaging myself in a light conversation with you. Very few words escape your lips in reply, but it didn’t matter as I really enjoy every moment that’s spent with you.

We reach your apartment a bit too soon. I’m disappointed. I ache to spend more time with you, not wanting our meeting to end so abruptly. But again you surprise me by inviting me inside for a drink. I’m flustered; reduced into a complete mess of confusion. Your invitation was just you being nice but to the ridiculous love struck me, it was more than that. I desperately want to jump forward and throw my arms around you; breathe in your scent which I was sure would be unique and ambrosial just like you. Please don’t hate me for that. I just am not able to control my overwhelming feelings for you, no matter how strange it sounds. I’m sorry.

Not wanting to make you disgusted with me on the very first day of our meeting, I make up a lame excuse and reject your offer politely.

The look of disappointment that almost immediately materializes in your obsidian orbs doesn’t go unnoticed by me. Before I could stop myself I find my mouth opening on its own accord and admitting that I didn’t have many friends and I really enjoyed your company even though I had just met you. I promise to meet you more often and get ready to leave, bidding you good bye.

When I’m about to leave, I remember that I still didn’t know your name. Smiling sheepishly, I turn around and ask for it. You break into laughter, making me blush in embarrassment. Aoi, you say. Uruha, I answer in return. Aoi, the beautiful hollyhock flower, one of my personal favourites, the flower which I’m so partial to when it comes to decoration. Aoi, I smile.

The very next day, I find myself in front of your apartment. I kept telling... even scolding myself all night that it would be weird if I showed my face at your door; me whom you’ve just met last night. I tried my best to go anywhere else but to your apartment. But my feet seemed to have a mind of their own and just took me to where you resided. I couldn’t stop myself, my love. Yes love, for I have fallen in love with you at first sight. I really can’t explain my actions nor stop myself, Aoi, for you are the very first person to show me any form of kindness. The very first person to whom I’ve felt such indescribable longing.

Doubts about my own sexuality temporarily fly out of my brain. I suck up my courage to invite you to coffee, wondering if you would accept my offer or slam the door on my face. But without even taking a nanosecond for contemplating over my invitation, you give me another one of those sparkling smiles before locking your apartment and stepping out with me.

I take you to my favourite cafeteria and order two cappuccinos. The conversation which we indulge ourselves in, soon strays to how you ended up in Tokyo, as you had just informed me that you were born in Mie. You start pouring your heart out about how you had moved in with your long time girlfriend and she had ended up betraying you by maliciously using your kindness to her advantage. I could clearly see that I was the first person to whom you were relaying all this.

My eyes start tearing up on its own accord. I can’t control the pathetic rivulet of tears that stream down my face. There were two reasons for my crying. One; the way you look as you relate about the girl whom you had loved for so long. Even though you were keeping a straight face, I could see that you had suffered a lot due to your past relationship. Two; I have lost you even before I tried.

Love at first sight might seem ridiculous, impossible and bullshit. But I truly do love you. I love you with all my being, with all my heart. The next moment, I have your warm hand clenched in between mine, my heart breaking into minuscule pieces; like glass shattering into a million fragments. I make a firm vow at that painful moment. It didn’t matter that I couldn’t have you, not even in my wildest dreams. But still, I want to take care of you, protect you and love you. I love you, Aoi.

After a really long time, I finally discover what it was to be happy, what it means to be truly happy, what true happiness really feels like. You give me everything. Everything to be happy about. You pamper me, spoil me, showering me with all your free time and kindness. I almost spend every waking moment in your presence. You were like the sun in my world, without you I was nothing but a cold, lifeless planet - barren and dead.

You were always taking care of me whenever I got drunk and lose my sanity. At those moments I feel safe as you are always there; taking me to your home and putting me to sleep on your bed. Those mornings when I wake up to see your sleeping face close to mine are the ones which I treasure the most. I wonder if you’d get mad when you hear this, but I always got drunk so that this would repeat frequently like a cycle. You taking care of me, me sleeping on your bed, me snuggled close to you, breathing in your sweet scent. In return, I care for the one I love the most; the one I desperately wanted; the one whom I never could have; yet the one I love the most.

It did hurt a lot. Every moment I spent with you was killing me. But still seeing the beautiful smile on your face; the hug you give me whenever you come over to meet me; the pampering I receive from you. I just couldn’t let go of you. If only you had liked men, then I would’ve definitely confessed my undying love without any qualms. But no, I couldn’t as you weren’t and I was too much of a coward to lose the friendship which I had procured. In the end, all that was left was to take this secret to my grave. The secret that I was desperately and irrevocably in love with you, my beloved Aoi.

Never once, even in the wildest of my dreams did I ever think that the day, when I will finally choose to relieve myself from the suffering due to the immense love I held towards you, would ever arrive.

Yoshida Tatsuya, a man in his early forties, who had once bought books for all the employees of the company he worked for, suddenly turned into the most frequented customer of the bookstore which I worked at. Everyday, Yoshida-san would immediately come over to the side of the shop as soon as he entered and always bought a book on every visit. His antics and stories would never fail to amuse me and soon I find myself enjoying the company of a person apart from you for the very first time. This was something which most definitely wasn’t normal as I’ve never allowed myself to talk to some unknown stranger, having already learned a lot due to all the betrayals I have faced so far. The only possible reason I could imagine is that after meeting up with you, I seemed to have relaxed around others and started speaking up mainly to escape the misery I felt every single passing minute due to the inexhaustible love that overwhelmed within me.

That was where Yoshida-san came in; the entity helping me to forget at least momentarily forget the pain that I’m forced to endure. Forgive me, Aoi but this is the only possible course for me to save myself, the likely option to prevent the loss of my sanity, before I decide that my life is no longer suitable to be lived as the hopeless, unrequited love continues to occupy every aspect of my thinking and adds itself to the inner demons that torture me to date.

One day you walk into my workplace with that trademark, elegant grace, the alluring yet, shy smile on those beautifully pierced lips, like always brings my pathetic heart to life with an erratic pound. Immediately, like it’s the most natural thing to do, I request my boss for a break and follow you to a corner wanting no one to barge into our tiny world.

You casually articulate that you were in the vicinity, on the way to meet an acquaintance but then dropping in a visit became a part of your agenda, you laugh; that mellifluous sound melting into my eardrums. But then again that confession which escapes you, only makes my breath hitch pathetically. Even though, my brain told me that you are only doing what you would do to a friend, my heart refused to listen to such rational thinking and jumps to its own dreamy conclusions.

That was the amount of desperation I feel when it came to you. Don’t you feel this? Don’t you understand this? Why can’t you see how much I love you? Each and every day, this love for you increases so damn much that my shell isn’t enough to contain it anymore. I want to love you with all my being, Aoi. Please, just let me look at you, baby, only you.

You love him don’t you?” I nearly jump when I hear the voice that speaks of the ominous secret which I have safeguarded with my life. Beads of sweat roll down my face as I slowly turn around to confront the person who has managed to catch me red handed; only to be bewildered when my eyes meet none other than Yoshida-san. All that I can do is stand stock still, the pathetic organ implanted within the deepest depths of my chest cavity hammering painfully, whilst I wait for the bombshell to detonate.

Yoshida-san indeed did drop a bombshell but not the one I had expected him to, but something else which was thousand times more painful. Even though I had feared that he would yell for everyone around and publicly humiliate me for being gay, now I find myself wishing he had done that instead of telling this information that ripped my heart to shreds. Aoi was going out with someone.

Yoshida-san proceeds to relay that you were in love with one of his friend’s niece, and he’s witnessed how happy you were with her. I couldn’t believe one single word of what the elderly man told me. Part of me didn’t want to believe, reasoning that you would have told me if you had indeed fallen in love. But then again, why wouldn't you date someone? It’s not like you are obligated to give your time only to me as we are nothing but mere friends. Why? Why did you have to be so cruel, Aoi? If I wasn’t meant to be with you, why did I lay my eyes upon you, why did I fall so insanely in love with you? Why? Why? WHY?

The consequent days, I find myself hanging out with Yoshida-san, reason being you had to leave to your own home in Mie. I miss you. Every thought my brain conjures, is possessed by your being. I keep trying to call you, then again fate seemed to laugh at my face maliciously as your number isn't in use anymore. I cry everyday with my face between my knees, plunged in misery as I long for your return. You are my aubade, the presence which fuels my life, and without you my love, I’m nothing but dead. Come back to me soon, Aoi.

Yoshida-san became a frequent existence of my daily life. He keeps inviting me for drinks, dinner, shopping, and many other activities. If you were here Aoi, then I most surely would refuse his invitations as I always prefer your company over anyone else’s... even if you belong to someone else. But the immense loneliness that seemed to take a toll on me, ends up brainwashing me and I find myself obediently going wherever I was invited to.

Yoshida-san endeavors to erase the love I had pledged to you. He knows that I’m obsessed. He knows that I’m desperate. And he also knows that I can never have you as well. Why, Aoi? I know that you have no clue about my inundating feelings and it was my fault for bringing this upon myself in the first place. Yet what could I do? I can’t control it. My own destruction was fast approaching and I am well aware of it. This love of mine ate at my insides painfully. Everyday was solely filled with tears. I try so hard to get rid if these unrequited feelings, but the ridiculous attempts were of no avail as my heart and mind were so attuned to them that they refuse to let them die. But still this has to end. Forgive me, my beloved, this has to end. If I allow you anymore than I do now then that would be the ultimate destruction for me. I would definitely die. Good bye, Aoi.

Yoshida-san proposes to me. It’s too sudden and surprises me. He confesses that the reason for his constant visit to the bookstore wasn’t for the books but for me. He’s loved me since day one and proceeds to divulge that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me.

I’m very well aware that he isn’t you, Aoi. No one could never ever match up to you. And I know that I would never be capable of loving anyone as much as I love you either. Also, there’s this added fact that he’s two times my age. But I accept. I accept knowing that there’s a man who has been permanently residing within my fragile heart for ages. Still I accept hoping that I’ll finally be saved; the pain of an unrequited love that’s been ripping through me would finally be put to rest.

I continue being your friend though; meeting up with you as often as possible. Why? Because I’m selfish. I’m in desperate need of seeing your face that never fails to emit rich pulchritude, the face which so easily conquered my heart, that beauteous smile that makes my heart flutter even though I’m with someone else now. Your body that always made me feel safe and secure. This desperate need... it can never be sated...

On the other hand though, Yoshida-san, he never complains. He just gives me a kind smile and allows me to be with you, albeit he does admit that he’s terribly jealous.

Still, I feel guilty that I’m taking advantage of Yoshida-san’s kindness and yours as well. You continue to have no clue regarding my sexual orientation even though we’ve been together in the relationship called friendship for a few months now. I don’t want to keep you in the dark anymore.

A terrible battle rages within me for the following days as I contemplate over the possibilities of the outcome; whether you would accept me for who I am or scold me for going out with someone twice my age. I refuse to go through the other darker possibilities since I’m positive you’ll never think or do anything of that sort. You love me, I know; maybe not as your ultimate love but at least as a good friend.

Finally, I muster up enough courage to call you up in order to get the truth out bare as I’m unfortunately still too much of a coward to confess face to face. As soon as I hear your mellow voice on the other side of the line, I immediately blurt out the truth and confess about my sexual orientation and the fact that I’m going out with Yoshida-san currently.

Dreadful silence follows my confession.

My heart almost stops as I wait for your answer. Various scenarios conjuring up in my brain, the ones I had had when I had been contemplating over telling you or not. But then again, these scenarios never even once picturized the possibility that you would abhor me for being nothing but a mere fag. I’m positive Aoi, positive that you’ll never do anything of that sort. You were too nice to behave like all the others. How horribly wrong I was.

“Aoi?” I get impatient after the silence continues to remain intact, without any kind of talk flowing through the earpiece. In reply, I hear the click of a distortion; and the line goes dead.

You start avoiding me like the plague from that day on. I go to your place like it’s a part of my daily mechanism, trying to make you talk to me. I need you, Aoi even if I belong to someone else. I need you like air and water. You are the sun in my sky and without your absence I’m nothing but a ground of frozen soil. I really, really do need you. But the result of my ceaseless endeavor was the constant slam of the door in my face.

I stubbornly remain outside, pounding the door; repeatedly begging and pleading. I keep hoping that you would come out. I cry and bawl helplessly, but you still refuse to come out. I refuse to give up.

I finally manage to corner you on your way to work. This is the first time after so many days that I get to see your face. Once again my heart starts to flutter madly, the familiar feeling of love surging within me. But this is not the time. I still have the important task of trying to make you see that there’s no way that I can live without your presence occupying every single day of my life. I swear I’ll die.

Before I could so much as open my mouth, you violently shove me aside. The force that you inflict, is enough to make my feet lose grip and the next moment I fall backward. I close my eyes fearing the impact I’m about to make but it didn’t happen as I was caught by none other than Yoshida-san who materializes out of nowhere.

Everything happens so fast next.

I hadn’t even come out of my shock before Yoshida-san storms towards you and throws a punch to your face... the face which I had loved so damn much, the face which never failed to be the spark of life amidst the darkness that resides within me. I stare in horror as blood steadily drips down your chin; my heart stopping.

Terrified, I scream at Yoshida-san and push him away. How dare he inflicts such an abhorrent act upon you. I don’t care if I’m going out with him or if he’s my boy friend, he shouldn’t have done something lik this...

Timidly, I walk over, a shivering hand reaching forward to wipe the blood off your pale skin; tears leaking down my eyes. But again you break my heart by slapping my hands off your face and walk away without sparing a backward glance.

With sorrowful eyes, I look at the blood that continues to linger on my fingers even though it’s owner has long left. Bringing the bloodied digits to my lips, I kiss the red smudge softly as tears flood down my cheeks. For a moment everything seems to stand still, but when my brain screams wretchedly that my beloved Aoi has joined the list of all those people I had considered important and yet in return had ridiculed and abandoned me, everything turns black and I lose consciousness even before my body makes contact with the ground. It’s over. My life, my love, my Aoi, it’s all over.

I slowly open up to Yoshida-san even though it was the last thing I want to do. Of course he was kind and nice but could never match up to you. The day I lost you was the day I lost something valuable; precious as it can never be replaced. But I needed help… Yoshida-san provides it.

He moves in with me and starts living at my place. I take care of him, cook his meals, make money for him and finally sleep with him – a low tactic to forget about you even though it never lasted for more than a few hours. He is rough and sometimes even violent during sex, but it didn’t matter. I’m far gone and completely numb to protest or feel dirty. As he ravages me, I lay lifeless, something equivalent to a ragged doll, waiting for it to be over. Self destruction… that’s where I’m heading to.

Days pass. I’ve never seen you even once after that outdoor confrontation that had gone so wrong. But I’m not bothered as I’m too dead to prolong my mourning over the irrevocable loss. On the other hand though, Yoshida-san continues to remain by my side even though I fail when it comes to responding to his actions. I need him. If he weren’t here, by now I would have taken my life. I may be tired of living, but for some reason, even though I’m dead, I continue to harbour the immense desire to continue with my life. And I most definitely need Yoshida-san as I’ve been alone for too long and his presence was something that siphoned away at least a little of the dense loneliness that dwelled within my soul.

I need him, Aoi. I need him because you are not here. Even though you were the one who was supposed be with me; making me happy and erasing away all the dreadful darkness that resides within me, you’ve instead chosen to abandon me and further wound my already cracked being. So it’s goodbye to the man who has taught me the true meaning of love. Sayonara.

I walk into my apartment after a really long and tiring day from work to find Yoshida-san unconscious and crumpled on the floor. I flip him around in panic with shaking hands and nearly scream in horror when my eyes zero in on the thin trail of blood leaking down his nose. He looks so deathly pale.

With all the first aid I knew, I manage to somehow bring him out of his unconsciousness. I try to question what’s wrong only to be snapped at; Yoshida-san firmly denying about anything being wrong and assuring that he was hale and healthy.

Yoshida-san's heath slowly but surely starts deteriorating. His skin takes up a sickly translucence which screams that something is most definitely wrong with him. He constantly coughs and vomits blood. Every single piece of clothing he owned, the sheets and linen, the basin, the toilet… everything hoards blood stains. And on top of that, the stench of blood that sticks to him... everything makes my own blood run cold.

Seeing Yoshida-san like this has finally made the distress of losing of you look like nothing and it soon disappears, leaving me with nothing but anxiousness and worry regarding Yoshida-san’s well being. I can’t let him die. He was the one who had stuck around with me, even though my thoughts were constantly filled with you. He had put up with everything and remained with me with no form of complaining. I finally realize it’s him who I should be loving and I love him. I hope you hear this Aoi, I love Yoshida-san now. From now on he’s my everything and I won’t let him die.

I plead and beg with my lover to come to the hospital with me. Everyday was filled with my nagging and wailing and I never stop. I want him in my life. I’m not allowing him to desert me like all the others had. Yoshida-san will live. And finally he agrees to go to the doctor as well.

I take a day off and accompany him, wanting to be there with him as he went through examination. I feel my heart clenching in fear as my eyes study how frail Yoshida-san had turned in a matter of thirty days.

I am positive I’m heading towards my death. Every cell in my body screams in agony as I look at the doctor with leaking eyes while he discloses the dreadful information dispiritedly; that my lover has a brain tumour, and that the tumour has completely metastasized a long time back. His disease is terminal and any form of therapy was not an option. My breathing hitches; the simple activity becoming painful. I feel claustrophobic, the walls closing around me as the doctor’s words continue to bore and welt every inch of my body. This has to be a nightmare and the doctor makes it even more worse by announcing cynically that Yoshida-san will not live long as he’s already good as gone.

I stubbornly refuse to admit Yoshida-san didn’t have long to live. I’m not letting him die. I love him and so he has to remain by my side. And so I took care of him day and night; giving him all the love and attention he needed, spending every single yen I earned only for him.

Soon it turns out that the money I make isn’t enough, as the cost of treatment and medicine is very expensive. Yoshida-san’s medical insurance didn’t cover up for the expenses and so I start using the money from the fund which my father had registered under my name when he had kicked me out of the house. I had left it intact; promising myself to never touch it as I didn’t want to be a rodent who leeched off his parents. But Yoshida-san seemed to need it more and so I spent it without hesitation.

I soon realize that my current job alone isn’t enough. I can’t keep depending on the fund forever as it was already on the verge of running out. So I quit university even though I had only a few months left to complete my course. Yoshida-san comes first and so I have no regrets. I take up two extra part-time jobs and start to working around the clock, every hour spent in hard labour with no time for something as trivial as sleep. I never have time to spare but if I do, it’s spent on taking care of my lover.

My health slowly starts to decline as I starve in order to feed Yoshida-san. My jobs were draining the living blood from my body, and the money I made was never for me. The truth regarding my ultimate death if this carried on couldn’t be denied. But nothing mattered. I didn’t listen to myself nor the warning bells that rang within my body. Even the deathly-pale face, the almost translucent skin and the constant waves of nausea, I ignore them as well. I’ve vowed that I won’t let Yoshida-san die. I won’t stop at anything.

Yoshida-san becomes completely bedridden; a living vegetable. He’s turned as pale as death itself. His body now rejects treatment and the blood loss becoming worse with every passing day. I constantly cry; begging to the miraculous being invisible to the living’s eyes. My lover’s all that I have left. Haven’t I been taking care of him properly? Where did I go wrong? Why is everyone so intent on leaving me? First my family, then friends and Aoi as well. Now Yoshida-san too. Why? God, if you are there then please, for once spare me some love. Please...

Everything is over. Yoshida-san lays dead on his bed. And God, you hate me after all.

I sit by the coffin, my face pressed against the wooden box; as people, all of them being Yoshida-san’s friends and acquaintances who had known him during his lifetime. Everyone have come in order to see his face for one last time before being reduced to a mere pile of ashes. People come and go, some to place flowers and maybe some to whisper words of condolences that only fall onto deaf ears. None of the tears, flowers or words matter to me. What matters was an unknown voice cynically repeating three words like a chant. “You are alone.”

It was time. Time to take the now dead body of Yoshida-san to the crematory grounds. I scream, scream like a madman, scream until my vocal chords nearly tore into shreds. I tear at my hair and clothes; beating at my chest with clenched fists as everyone else restrain me from following my dead lover. Why was God so fucking cruel? All that I wanted was someone to be there for me, ease my loneliness away, someone to love me, hold me tight, kiss me and tell me that they are there for me. But no. I’m not allowed to have anyone of that sort. “WHY?” I scream at the top of my voice as Yoshida-san’s corpse finally fades away into the distance.

A pot of ashes is placed on my hand, before the door of my apartment is closed shut. I’m left behind in the darkness; no form of light, warmth nor laughter.

I place the pot in the closet of the living room, before locking up the apartment door not wanting any form of company as no one would ever fill up this empty hole that had been eaten away from my heart. I walk with my chapped lips slightly apart in the direction of the single bedroom. All that I could do was stare blankly at the empty space lit up due to the sunlight that filtered through the curtains. Sitting on the floor, I rest the side of my face on the mattress where Yoshida-san used to sleep when he had been alive. I let my eyes remain open, staring blankly at nothing in particular. I never once get up from there then on, ignoring the cramps that have formed in my muscles due to lack of movement, the rumbling of my stomach that used to be loud slowly turning into a wheeze as it has no more energy within it to create an incorrigible sound... I sit there.

Days elapse or maybe months.

My ears always faintly register the constant ringing of the bell and the pounding of a door. I’m supposed to be getting up, look through the keyhole in order to find out who it is or what they wanted from me. But I do nothing. I remain glued to the floor. I don’t need them. I’ve already decided. This is how I will be for the remainder of the days that’s still left in my life.

One day, I feel my body being wildly shaken in order to rouse me from my tranquil state. “Uru? Uruha?” I hear a desperate cry that sounds so familiar. It feels like music even in my current damaged state. I just want to keep my eyes closed, not wanting to open them again ever. I’m either too tired or maybe already dead. But the voice that had so much command seems so powerful and yet so bewitching. I just want to obey.

With ample effort on my part, I slowly open my tired eyes and take a long glance at the intruder. It feels like it had been a while since my eyes had last seen light. Everything appears blurry and the images; incorrigible.

When my eyes finally adjust, the sight I’m met with makes my heart stop a beat. The midnight-black hair, the dark yet alluring eyes that twinkled with warmth, the sharp nose, the beautifully-pierced cherry red lips and that familiar pale face. Aoi. It’s Aoi, the one whom I had loved more than anyone could ever possibly love, the one whom I had yearned for, cried for and the one who had thrown me out was finally here.

Get out, Aoi. Just get out.” I growl out, but my order comes out only as a weak whimper. I try pushing you away; beating at your chest with my fragile fist hoping that you would get the message and leave me just like you had done before. But I couldn’t. I just couldn’t. Aoi; he’s back... finally back. How could I just push him away?

The next moment, I fling my hands around you; releasing a loud wail and start sobbing hysterically. So many things I want to say, so much that you have to know. But nothing comes out except for these pathetic tears which drenches the front of your shirt. You pull my miserable, broken body to your chest as I bawl my eyes out; hoping that the rivulets that leak out of my eyes would dry out soon. But your fresh scent that wafts towards my nostrils only further aggravates my crying. Aoi is finally back.


Continued...
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deadlyscarlet

August 2013

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